Tag: sexplanations

We Are Human First

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We Are Human First

This article is about consent and negotiation and mistakes and hindsight. It’s about personal responsibility and compassion.

There are reasons I don’t do pick up play and why I like to be at least friends with someone before I do a scene with them. When you play as a bottom you are trusting someone with your physical, mental, and emotional well-being for a certain amount of time. When you play as a Top you are trusting another person to be honest with you up front and not vilify you if you make a mistake. Notice the running theme? TRUST. Now, if you are just starting to play and have just met that person or have only known them a short time, then a whole lot of trust isn’t necessarily there yet. This is why it’s not recommended that you do heavy scenes or attempt to push boundaries and limits with someone in the beginning. You should be developing more trust first.

So what should you trust about a new play partner? Well, as a bottom you should hopefully be able to trust that your Top has good intentions and is looking to play with you in a safe way while adhering to the limits that you have stated during negotiation. That they are not looking to take advantage of you or do things that weren’t discussed just because “well you didn’t say I couldn’t”. (This is also why I teach newbies to negotiate from an “I want to start with just doing x, y, and z” position rather than trying to think of all the things they don’t want to do.) As a Top you should be able to trust that the bottom has disclosed whatever medical issues, triggers, etc that they are aware of, along with things that may be unique to them as a player. For example, bottoms – if when you go into subspace you are barely aware of your surroundings or what year it is, this is something the Top should be made aware of!

However, guess what? Even after all that things can go wrong. The bottom may have forgotten to disclose something. The Top may have briefly had a brain fart regarding one of the bottom’s limits. The bottom may have been triggered by something they didn’t realize they would be triggered by. The Top may have done something that wasn’t spelled out in negotiations (not talking about major stuff). But remember, scenes are supposed to be fun. Especially with a new partner who is likely not to go too “deep” or too far in play the first time. Not everything will be spelled out in the negotiation – it’s not possible. Or, if possible, it would probably be a very boring, predictable scene.

So what do you do about that? Well, for starters, choose to play with people you can have a conversation with. I’m talking about a conversation beyond the negotiation. If these things happen (which they will) don’t jump to anger and blaming the other person. Start with personal responsibility. Look in the mirror and ask yourself what part of that do you hold accountability for? Acknowledge this to your partner. Hopefully they will acknowledge their part of whatever happened as well. TALK about the little things that happened and assume it was not born from manipulation or ill intent. Are some people douche-nozzles? Absolutely. However, most people aren’t looking to hurt you or create a bad reputation for themselves. Most people are doing the best they can or the best they know how to do. So talk about the scene. Make adjustments in your future negotiations if need be.

Just remember when you strip away the titles and the power exchange – we are all just human first.

My First Play Party

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My First Play Party

I get asked by friends all the time, “Jenn, don’t you get tired of teaching the same basic stuff over and over?”

To that I say no. The reason I don’t get tired of what I do is for many reasons. I am giving info and providing opportunities that I wished I’d had when I was new, seeing people discover new things makes my heart super happy, and staying in touch with new folks week after week keeps me in touch with when I was new. I think it’s important to remember what that was like – otherwise it’s easy to become jaded, frustrated and even judgmental. What becomes second nature or common knowledge to us is often foreign to a new person. There is a learning curve here.

So having said all that I wanted to go back to my first ever public play party.

When I started in the scene I went to classes and munches and spent much of my time in the rope world and the spanko world. I got involved with a spanko group (which still exists) that, at that time, consisted of private parties in the group leader’s residence. Then one of the members of that group hosted a spanko party at a dungeon. I decided this would be a safe entry into the dungeon play party world because at least I would know a few people. This party happened to be held at a well-known dungeon in North Orange County here in SoCal.

I pulled into the parking lot in my family size SUV and I just sat there for a while. The address I punched into my Garmin took me to an industrial business type building so I had to double check my GPS like 25 times to make sure I wasn’t in the wrong place. Then I noticed people starting to arrive. I scoured their clothing and noticed that most of the women were wearing things like sundresses or flowy knee length skirts! I panicked. I looked down at my tight denim mini skirt and 6 inch stilettos and I immediately doubted my choice of outfit! Would I stand out like a sore thumb? Had I worn the wrong thing? Before I let myself give in to the panic and just drive home, I decided to text the one person who I knew was at the party and that I actually had a number for. (It happened to be the leader of the group at the time.) I told him I was parked outside and afraid I’d dressed inappropriately. I asked him to please come out to my car and tell me if I was right. (yes, he was nice enough to leave the party and come out to calm my fears) He laughed on his way to the car, shaking his head, and once he saw my outfit he assured me I would be completely ok. He walked me in and we went inside to where the party was happening.

The first thing I did was make a friend – a cute girl in pigtails and a cheerleading outfit – because at least she was another person not in a casual sundress! She and I sat and hung out and I realized that there was a reason for all those sundresses and flowy skirts. This was a spanko party and they were easy to flip up!! Lol Oh was I relieved! It wasn’t about a dress code or what outfit was appropriate, it was just easier access for what they were there to do!

After that realization I relaxed, met more people, including some from a class I’d been in a couple weeks before, and had a good time. There is more to the story but I covered the point of this article. Your first public play party can be scary and overwhelming. It’s ok to admit that and to reach out to a friendly face. It’s also good for veterans of the scene to remember this if you are the one they reach out to!

Coming Out of the Closet(S)!

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So many closets, so little time.  Well, ok, only two closets, however, I’ve had to come out of them again and again.

When you hear that someone “came out of the closet” you may think, “Good for them, it’s a big step and now they don’t have to worry about it anymore.”  What people may not realize is that once you come out – that’s just the FIRST time.  Essentially you have to come out every time you meet someone new or run into an old friend or family member who perhaps wasn’t around when you made the big announcement.  (That’s how everyone comes out by the way – big loudspeaker type pronouncement over the radio or in a stadium.)

Every time you tell someone new, you run the same risk you did the first time.  Will they react positively or with criticism?  Will your relationship with them change after this conversation?

When I came out the first time it was at the age of 17 and I came out to my friends as bisexual.  (FYI – this is still how I identify – I know – SHOCKER – it wasn’t just a phase…..)  I am proud to say I have wonderful friends who totally accepted me and had no issue.  I got involved with my LGBT group on my college campus and dated the only other bisexual girl in the group because the lesbians wanted nothing to do with us.  (That’s a topic for another day)  Fortunately she was just my type and we had a nice time together.  It was, however, a short romance and pretty soon after we broke up I started dating the man I would eventually marry.

Fast forward 15 years, marriage, two kids and one divorce later.  Time to get back out into the dating pool.  I cast out my net to any and all on the typical dating sites.  Met a few great people – not great matches however.  Then I met a woman – an amazing woman.  We dated for a couple years with some bumps in the road.  However, it was a serious relationship and I felt that it was time to come out to my parents.  Until this point I was “relatively out” – meaning I was out to everyone except my relatives!

So there I was, in my 30’s, coming out to my parents.  Thankfully they are both totally supportive.  My dad thought perhaps it was a post-divorce phase until I explained that she was not my first female partner.

So then there was the kink/BDSM closet that I had newly discovered as I was going thru my divorce.  For many people kink is something they do in the bedroom and they never feel the need to “come out” about it.  However, for me it wasn’t only my lifestyle, it was also my job.  Only a couple years into the scene I worked as a pro-sub and then a pro-Switch.  I eventually felt the pressure to open up to my mom because she kept asking so many questions about my new job in “customer service”.  Nice cover, right?  Fortunately it coincided with the 50 Shades trilogy and my mom happened to be reading the first one.  I used that to come out to her.  Her biggest concern was my safety and my happiness.  I assured her that I was both safe and happy.  She was supportive.  She has even attended one of my classes to try and gain more of an understanding – which I thought was super awesome of her!

Shortly thereafter I told my dad and he was accepting as well.  All of my friends know and I’m not shy talking about it with new friends I meet.  I am a bit more cautious with friends connected to my kids.  However, if you read my article titled The Outsider, you will see I didn’t have much to worry about.

I know that many people don’t feel they can come out about their orientation, their BDSM lifestyle, or perhaps both.  They may fear family shame, ridicule, or job loss.  As for me I feel extremely fortunate to be able to live my life openly.

I am at the point now in my life (perhaps some of it just comes with age) where I figure if you don’t accept me (and all that I am) then I don’t need you in my life.  If you want to know more, however, just ask and I will answer any question you have!

I come out of two closets again and again….and I’m proud of both!

 Consent is Key

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“Consent is key.”  People in the scene say this all the time.  This is because it’s true.  Consent is what separates responsible BDSM and abuse.  I can, unfortunately, give several examples of consent violation that I’ve witnessed or experienced personally.  I’d be willing to bet that anyone in the scene longer than a week can say the same. (ok that may be a bit of an exaggeration – but not by much)  Someone walking over and picking up someone else’s toy without asking – better yet picking it up and then using it.  A D-type grabbing an s-type by their hair who doesn’t belong to them.  Someone being asked to help in a scene by holding the s-types leg, then they proceed to let their fingers wander to places they had no right to touch.  An s-type starting to worship a D-type’s boots when the D-type is in the middle of play and has not been asked to join.

Those were all examples that I witnessed or was connected to in some way.  That was by no means a complete list.  These things are simply not ok.  Period.  Ever.  It seems as if this type of behavior has increased a bit recently.  I have a couple theories as to why.  Now, my theories don’t explain all incidences obviously.  Heck, my theories may be totally off.  They come from my own observations and experiences.  Also, some people are just asshats – that has been, and will probably always account for, some percentage of the problem.

Theory number 1: It’s a new generation of kinksters.  Rules, protocol, old tradition, etc. have been watered down.  The next gen is doing it differently.  This is fine and, regardless of my opinion about it, is the way life goes.  Yet with that has also come a more “casual kink” mentality. We’ve also had many new people arrive into the community after being exposed to pop culture representations of how they think things are – which is not even close to reality.

Theory number 2: It used to be that the kink and swinger communities were fairly separate from one another – with very little overlap.  However, with the further acceptance of kink and the growing curiosities about it, it seems that overlap is growing quickly.  I am going to make a generalization here – so please don’t jump down my throat telling me this doesn’t apply to all swingers.  Disclaimer: I realize that this theory does NOT speak to ALL swingers – or perhaps even most.  However, based on, again, my observations and personal experiences it would seem that consent is dealt with very differently in these two communities.  From my perspective in the swinger scene, consent is assumed until it is removed – while in the kink scene, consent is not assumed until given.  This difference can, and does, easily contribute to at least a portion of the rise in consent violation. (Again, in my opinion.)

Then there are the aforementioned asshats.

In all cases I think education is the key.  Whether that means suggesting people go to classes or if one-by-one we find “teachable moments” to pass down the knowledge we possess if we are more seasoned kinksters.  I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially if they’re new, that they don’t know any better.  However, if they continue to cross boundaries and ignore consent expectations then that’s where behavior is no longer tolerated.

So, if you’re new – educate yourself.  Go to classes, ask questions.  If you’re not new, try to find ways to kindly pass down the knowledge you have.  Consent is key.

D/s Concepts That Work for Any Relationship

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D/s Concepts That Work for Any Relationship

 

I came across an article recently on a vanilla/mainstream psychology website. The article link is below, but basically it talks about doing relationship check-ins.  The author advises couples to sit down on an annual basis and review their marriage – this article advises doing it alongside a professional, such as a therapist.  She relates it to a performance review that may happen in a workplace.  However, I relate it to the relationship contracts we create as part of D/s dynamics.  Once a D/s couple has created a contract, typically it includes an annual review or even a monthly review – or anything in between.  The author basically describes a check-in that consists of creating a safe space to discuss issues that have come up and give one another feedback.  In this sense what the author describes and what D/s partners do is very similar.  We go over our contract and offer feedback as to what we think has been working and what we have issues with.  We go over protocols that may have been forgotten (which is why written contracts come in handy – they work as reminders), others that haven’t worked out well, and confirming the ones that work.  Depending on what we include in our contract, the “review” may include updating limits and/or rules or boundaries surrounding poly dynamics.

For both the vanilla and D/s version of this idea it creates a sense of closeness and connection while identifying issues that may have come up over the past year, month, 3 months, etc.  It also confirms all the things that have been, and still are, working.  For the D/s relationships it strengthens the bond of the power exchange as well.

What I love about all this is that here is an example of something we have done in our community for decades – and the mainstream community is catching on.  I think as we continue to find and expose more examples like this (there are plenty) and could explain what is happening under the kink jargon to mainstream people, we could show why more and more studies are concluding that D/s relationships are just as healthy, if not in many cases healthier, than vanilla ones.  Perhaps some of the stigma we face would be lifted.

Original article link:

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201510/why-relationship-review-can-help-keep-you-together?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost

 

 

A Third Leg

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A Third Leg

 

No, this article is not about giant members.  lol

So I was watching talk shows the other day.  Well, I use the term “watching” loosely.  More like glancing up at the tv occasionally while they were running in the background as I helped my kids with homework.  Anyway, on one of the talk shows a co-host was mentioning something about how people have been saying that couples last longer if they have a “third leg”.  She went on to describe what this meant.  Basically she was referring to things like having kids, shared tv shows (and being able to watch them together thanks to streaming networks), a common hobby, etc.  Something they can focus their attention on as a couple that is outside of themselves.

The reason for the “third leg” being helpful in keeping couples together and interested in one another is that it gives them something to talk about and connect over.  It’s amazing how much people will thank streaming networks for saving their marriage!  Especially since it used to be that if a couple only had kids to connect over they were at a loss once the kids moved out.  Now with external entertainment at our fingertips we have much more to interact about for an infinite amount of time.

This got me thinking, however, about those of us into kink and/or polyamory.

We have those same things to connect over, tv shows, maybe kids for those in the scene that share children, perhaps common vanilla hobbies as well.  However, in addition we share kink.  For some it is like another hobby we enjoy together, for others it’s our lifestyle.  Either way it’s something else we share with our partner(s) and look forward to.  If we play then we look forward to that – maybe planning scenes or deciding which parties to attend.  If we are involved in a power exchange relationship then we may spend time together communicating about rules, protocol, etc.

When it comes to poly it’s an entirely new level.  If there are other partners then (similar to kids) you have another (or other) actual people to connect over, communicate about, plan things with, and talk to.  With or without other partners you may still be communicating about how poly will work for you.  Discussing finding a new partner or partners.  Perhaps you go out together to meet potential play partners, lovers, and/or life mates.  There are those that have other partners and are also looking for additional partners.  I don’t know where they find the time, but that’s just me!  Also, unlike kids, additional partners don’t necessarily fall under the same developmental timeline of growing up and moving out or away from you.  This doesn’t mean that poly relationships don’t end, however, you are then able to continue opening up to others in the attempt to find and unite with new people.  You can’t just go out and try to find new kids to replace the ones that left for college!

The point of all this is that if you’re involved in kink, poly relationships, or both – you have opened up a whole new world of “third leg” possibilities to connect over.  This not only keeps life interesting, but our relationships as well.

 

 

D-type and s-type Fluid

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D-type and s-type Fluid

So you may or may not have heard the term “gender fluid”.  This refers to a person who may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders (male and female), but may feel more male some days, and more female other days.

This concept came up in one of my classes in a different way.  We were discussing one student who knew she identified as an s-type, however, wasn’t really sure which “subcategory” she fit into. Slave, submissive, babygirl, pet, little, bottom, property, etc.  I could relate to what she meant.  I identify (personally) as an s-type – normally I will say submissive, yet I am sometimes more in the headspace of a babygirl or perhaps a pet.  There are plenty of times I identify as a bottom – especially when I am doing a demo or acting as a practice bottom.  I also fall under the category of “service Top” when teaching or doing an educational scene, however, I don’t consider myself a Dominant at all.  For me the slave identifier has not been something I have identified with yet.  I have several close friends that have told me they think I am “slave wired”, yet I continue to put up some resistance there.  (Perhaps an issue for me to work through or perhaps just a matter of partnership)  In any case, I can’t rule out many of the s-type subcategories because I may feel a combo of them or feel like I identify more like one or another from one day to the next or one moment to the next.

So during this class I named this “s-type fluid” or “s-fluid”.

I realized that this same concept probably applies to D-types as well.  Maybe someone knows that they identify as Dominant, however, they occasionally act as a Top or are in the headspace of a “Daddy Dom” or “Mommy Dom” based on their partner or mood.  I would imagine that identifying as a Master is something a Dominant would either feel like all the time or perhaps grow into with a partner.  In any case, I think you can be “D-type Fluid” or “D-fluid” just like an s-type.

 

This concept doesn’t mean you are confused in any way – just like someone who identifies as gender fluid isn’t confused.  It may just mean that you can flow from one subcategory to another based on headspace, partner, mood, or any other reason.  By the way, this is different from identifying as a switch.  A switch may be fluid in terms of being able to bottom or Top (or go between Dom and sub), however, s-type fluid and D-type fluid has nothing to do with switching.  It means you identify as either a D-type or an s-type all the time, but that the subcategories of these identifiers can change.

 

So maybe if you, like me, know which side of the slash you are on, however, feel differently at different times – or if you are still exploring and seeing which subcategory “fits” you best – perhaps this idea of fluidity as applied to D/s identity is the best descriptor for you!

(Perhaps Fetlife needs to add this to their list of identifier options!)  J

 

Pushing a Dynamic

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Pushing a Dynamic

 

This, like most of my articles, is for both sides of the slash.  Let’s start with what you hear of more commonly.  The D-type pushing boundaries or pressuring an s-type, especially the newbies, to act as if they are in a power exchange dynamic.  So all you s-types listen up: Just because you’re AN s-type, doesn’t mean you’re HIS or HER s-type!  If you haven’t heard this before, it won’t be the last time.  A power exchange dynamic, just like play, is something you enter into with consent and communication.

So how might a D-type push these boundaries?

One way can be before you ever meet them.  It could be as soon as their first message to you.  Greeting you, making their intention known and then “giving you permission” to call them Sir/Mistress, etc.  Why? Just because you’re an s-type?  Calling someone by a title is something you do as part of a dynamic.  (By the way this is not in reference to those who refer to everyone as Sir or Ma’am out of politeness nor toward those that have it as part of their protocol.)  You in no way “owe” this to anyone, especially someone you’ve never met! Remember you have a voice.  Let them know you aren’t comfortable referring to them that way since you’ve never met.  Or perhaps it wasn’t their first message, but only a handful of messages in.  Either way, whether you’ve been chatting for one minute or one year, titles are things you discuss.  If they get upset, then I would take that as a huge red flag.  Chances are, at best, they are role-playing the D-type thing and really have no idea or interest in how these things work.  At worst, they are purposefully trying to manipulate you.

Besides expecting titles to be used, there are other ways that D-types can push a dynamic.  It could be at a party or munch where they tell you to get them something or expect you to cater to them.  Key words here are “tell you” and “expect”.  It’s one thing to politely ask for a favor, it’s another to simply assume you are at their beck and call just because of how you identify.

Now on to the other side of the issue.  S-types can push dynamic as well.  Here’s how…

So you, a D-type, find someone to chat with on Fetlife.  Things are going well up to this point, only a dozen or so messages back and forth so far.  That’s when the s-type hits you with, “what do you want to do to me Daddy/Mommy?” or “What did Master/Mistress do today?”

Daddy?! Master?!  Mommy?! Mistress?!

Hold on there!  These are titles that should be earned, discussed, and negotiated.  Now, this s-type could be trying to push for a dynamic or relationship prematurely, or they may not know any better.  I think it’s a common misperception that s-types are expected to use titles for every D-type.  This is especially true for those that are new in the scene.  I recommend, if this happens to you, to let them know that they do not need to call you by a title, that your name (or preferred label) is perfectly acceptable until or unless you both agree to enter into something more.  Now, if they disregard that request, then you may have an issue.

What it comes down to is that a power exchange dynamic is something to be respected and taken seriously.  Try not to move too quickly and be wary of those that do.  It’s ok to move at a slower pace, at your pace, until the time is right.

Sponsored Post*: Tips for Using BDSM Dating Sites

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Tips for Using BDSM Dating Sites

BDSM dating sites are an easy way to connect to the fun world of BDSM dating. For a lot of people, they feel nervous trying to find someone in person for BDSM. Plus, they don’t want to have to worry about connecting with people who aren’t interested in BDSM.

Finding the right person on a BDSM dating website is everyone’s goal. In order to help with that, we have written a list of some of the most helpful tips for using BDSM dating sites.

Be Safe

The most important thing that we wanted to include in this article is that you need to be safe. Never give out your personal information online. Instead, meet in a public place and start sharing information from there. If you feel comfortable at the point of meeting up, you can make the decision then.

Start With Regular Conversation

Yes, you are looking for someone who shares the same kinks as you when you are on a BDSM dating website, but people aren’t looking to go straight into sexual talk. Instead, they want to start off with conversation starters, just like normal dating websites.

If you start with a regular conversation you are far more likely to find a match.

Don’t Be Shy

One of the biggest benefits of using a BDSM dating website is that you can start to get to know your potential partner online before meeting them. If you are shy you won’t get anywhere with your online dating goals. Being open doesn’t mean sharing your personal information, it means sharing likes, dislikes, messaging first, and generally not being shy when it comes to messaging and the content of messages.

Fill Out Your Profile Thoroughly

BDSM dating sites are intended for those who are interested in the lifestyle. That means there is no harm to filling out your profile completely. In fact, the reverse is true. If you don’t fill out your profile completely, people might think you are a fake or not serious.

A full profile helps others to learn if they like you as their profile helps you to learn.

Finding The Right Dating Website

Finding a good BDSM dating website like BDSMdatingonly can be hard. You will spend a lot of time looking around the internet in order to find the BDSM website that is right for you. To help make the process quicker, use BDSM Dating Sites. It is a directory of BDSM dating websites for singles to use.

Be Honest

In any relationship, whether it is BDSM or not, you need to be honest. A lack of honesty on your profile, in your messages, or on your first date will be noticed eventually. That can lead to a lack of trust or even the failure of your date.

The BDSM community can be pretty tight knit, but more importantly, they watch out for each other. If you lie to someone the word can spread quicker than you want it to. When word spreads in your local community you might not even be able to find a date.

You Will Likely Send A Lot Of Messages

Chances are that you will spend a lot of time sending messages. Sometimes hundreds. A match doesn’t happen right away and not everyone responds to their messages. Don’t get upset if you find someone you are really attracted to but they don’t message you back.

Don’t swamp one person with messages. One message is enough. It all boils down to being patient.

Use The Block Button

Rudeness and similar traits are something that you don’t want when dating. It is a sign that there is potentially something worse about the person. Plus, you are going to BDSM dating sites to enjoy yourself, not to be berated by a stranger. Block anyone who is rude or who gives you a bad feeling.

The BDSM world is growing rapidly with the popularity of Fifty Shades of Gray and so are the number of dating websites out there. Make sure you take these tips to mind in order to get the most out of BDSM dating. Each one of these tips is picked for its ability to help you succeed in finding what you are looking for in the big world of BDSM.

*Sponsored by BDSMdatingonly.com

Causes of Emotional/Psychological Triggers During Play

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Causes of Emotional/Psychological Triggers During Play

 

Triggers are things that should be acknowledged in a relationship and are one of the things we look at especially when we are going to play.  This article can’t cover all the specific triggers you may or may not have, however, it will cover what various things can cause a trigger.  You can be triggered in a positive way as well – which is lovely and not in need of an article!  🙂  Unfortunately most triggers are discovered because they happen during play.  If this happens, whether you continue the scene or not, it is something to discuss and process – and then add to your future negotiations.  The following are examples in each category and certainly not an all inclusive list.

TYPE OF IMPLEMENT/PLAY – You may be triggered by  specific implement or type of play.  Maybe your punishment as a child was being hit with a belt.  For many it’s a fetish and for some with a similar story, they may have turned it around into an enjoyable experience.  However, if it creates a bad association for you, then it’s a trigger.  Perhaps you were assaulted in the past and now a scene that includes “consensual non-consent” floods you with those awful memories.

POSITIONING – Being tied to a cross may not be a big deal, however, if told to take a spanking in the “diaper” position (basically laying on your back and pulling up your knees, similar to a baby getting a diaper change) you feel humiliated, and not in a sexy way.

PART OF BODY – There may be one or more places on your body that you don’t want touched, exposed or impacted.  Sometimes this is because it just makes you angry if it happens and takes you out of your headspace.  Sometimes there is a certain body part(s) that is linked to trauma or bad memories, etc.

WORDS – There are words that can trigger negative feelings.  I might be really into sexual humiliation, yet if you call me fat or stupid (or the equivalent) I will be triggered.  Being called certain tites/names can also be a trigger.

SOUND – The best example for this that I’ve seen is a Veteran having a PTSD response to someone cracking a whip.  It could also be something as simple as a specific song.

SMELL – Our sense of smell is largely connected to our memories.  You may be triggered by a certain type of cologne/perfume, cleaning products, lotion, etc.

 

Nothing is silly or unimportant.  If it triggers you negatively PLEASE incude it when you negotiate your scene.  Your Top will appreciate it!