Category: writing

Collars and Collaring

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Collars and Collaring

Owned slave or latest Hot Topic fashion? Hard to tell these days.

Let’s start with the basics. What can a collar be made out of? The answer is, just about anything. Steel, leather and rope are probably the most popular. However, keep in mind a “collar” isn’t necessarily something that must be worn around the neck. It may be a bracelet, ring, piercing, tattoo, etc. Basically anything that represents the relationship dynamic. Keep in mind also that a single s-type may wear a collar just to indicate that they are an s-type.

This brings us to what kind of collars you may wear or see others wear. There are pet collars that are usually used for those in a pet/trainer or owner dynamic or for those that normally identify in different roles but have a pet collar for when they specifically do pet play.

There is a play collar which is typically worn by the s-type in a scene with a play partner if their dynamic doesn’t go any farther than play. A play collar can also be used when the relationship is new and people are still in the get-to-know-you stage. They maybe don’t have an established dynamic but are enjoying play together or perhaps use it at events to show that they are in some kind of a relationship.

A type of collar that you don’t see as often, but is possible, is the collar of protection. When a D-type has committed to protecting an s-type in the community, the s-type may wear something that indicates that you need to go thru another individual (the D-type protecting them) before pursuing the s-type.

Now let’s talk about the collars that begin to take a D/s relationship to the next level.

The Consideration Collar has traditionally been the step taken after the initial get-to-know-ya stage. The people involved have spent a little time together and have gotten to the point that they have decided to make more of a commitment. Think of this as going from dating casually to becoming a committed couple if you think of it in vanilla terms. The D-type is “considering” the s-type and the s-type is “under consideration” of the D-type. Now, keep in mind either person can leave the relationship at any time, so really they are both “considering” each other. However, the traditional way of thinking helps to maintain the D/s aspect. This time period is typically used for the couple to get to know each other further, go through negotiations for play and for the relationship, as well as continue to evaluate if this is the right person for them.

After this period is traditionally when the Training Collar is given. This would be somewhat parallel to getting engaged in vanilla terms. This is a big step and indicates that this relationship is getting very serious. During this stage the s-type is usually pretty aware of the expectations of the D-type, however, during this time the protocol and expectations may be strengthened or taken to a higher level. This is a good time for both parties to make sure this is something they want long term.

The final collar is the Official Collar, or Formal Collar, or Slave Collar. This can be equated with a vanilla marriage (the wedding ring). This represents a long term commitment for both parties in their D/s dynamic. It could be a D/s relationship or M/s relationship – that depends on the people involved. Many people will hold a collaring ceremony to bestow the official collar in front of their loved ones. The ceremony is the vanilla equivalent of a wedding and can range from very casual to quite elaborate.

These days I see more and more people bestowing collars more casually. It’s one thing if they are simply play collars, however, in my opinion any collar more than that should really be considered with a serious look at commitment, trust, and mutual respect with a partner that you have gotten to know for a decent amount of time.

Stepping on Landmines

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Stepping on Landmines

Trigger warning: This article is about triggers. If this triggers you, please be advised and continue with caution.

“Trigger” is a word that is used to cover many types and severities of things that may come up during a scene on a psychological or emotional level. The tough part is that much of the time we don’t know what triggers we have until they are activated. Obviously if you know you have a trigger (or triggers) you should be communicating that with your partner.

Can Tops/D-types be triggered as well? Absolutely. It is important for both people – or all people – involved in a scene to disclose triggers that they know they have.

So let’s talk about those ones we didn’t realize were there. Those “landmines” we step on or that get stepped on that we weren’t prepared for. How they are dealt with depends on the severity of the trigger. There is a spectrum all the way from something that conjures up feelings of anger or annoyance – and not in a sexy primal way – to true PTSD, panic attack inducing triggers. Those that have the latter often get frustrated that there aren’t more words to describe triggers – since the difference in severity can be huge.

Some triggers are very minor and the person triggered can continue the scene with little to no disruption. I still would advise you discuss it with your partner after the scene – either within the same evening or a day or two after. No matter what, even if it was small, don’t leave it hanging. Your partner wants to know. An example may be perhaps they call you by a version of your name that only your parents use and it made you think of your parents in the middle of the scene and displaced your mind set. Maybe they do something that reminds you of an ex (toxic) partner. The thing they do is harmless, yet it takes you back and triggers memories of a bad situation you were in.

There are triggers that are more severe. Your partner uses an implement that your father used to beat you with as a child as punishment. You smell a perfume that your best friend also wore – a friend that you lost to a tragic car accident. There are endless examples I could use. These may require you to pause or stop the scene. Perhaps after a break you can continue the scene or begin a new scene. Use the time to let your partner know what was triggered and why. As the person who triggered them – listen to them, get them water, hold them if they need that, let them sit alone for a few minutes or take a breath outside if they need that instead. Assure them that you are not the person they associated the trigger with and that you will not repeat whatever prompted the trigger.

Then there are those triggers that cause a panic attack or severe anxiety. Perhaps your partner is a veteran and someone cracks a whip near your scene which they hear as gunfire. (Yes a person can also be triggered by things happening around them – not only their partner directly.) Maybe you put your hand to their throat which takes them back to being raped and their assailant threatened to choke them to death. Severe trauma triggers can be extremely scary – for all involved, including people surrounding your scene. The person triggered may go into an emotional outburst – crying, screaming, and/or fighting. They may start to hyperventilate or do things that can cause bodily harm to themselves or those close by. DON’T leave them alone – but do call out for someone nearby to get a DM. Many DMs will have some medical training or can at least help you to make sure people don’t get hurt – including your partner. Once they are settled enough and know where they are (sometimes they will be mentally back in that battlefield or fighting for their life and forget where they are and that they are safe) make sure they have water and maybe some food. Assess as best you can what they need. Make eye contact and assure them of who you are and that they are safe. They may need to walk outside for fresh air – go with them. If they need alone time – still make sure you can keep an eye on them. Your first priority is making sure they are safe and can get back to center emotionally and psychologically. They may or may not be ready to talk about it. You may also need to help them though the secondary embarrassment of what they’ve just displayed in a public setting. Obviously if you are doing private play this doesn’t apply. Eventually talk about it – it may be a couple days. Check in with them every day – more than once. If they have a therapist they may need to make an appointment. If they don’t have one they may want to find one. Some triggers are severe enough that they need a professional. This doesn’t mean you stop being there as a friend/play partner/lover/life partner, etc. Be a safe place for them.

I hope you never need this information, or at least not often. What we do involves risk – even the “safest” play can trigger some deep wounds. If you were the one that triggered the other person don’t blame yourself. You didn’t know you were stepping on a landmine. Take care of yourself as well. Have a trusted friend or mentor that you can debrief with too.

Triggers happen. Do your best to take care of each other and remember that the trigger is not representative of the scene or the relationship.

Top 5 List: Beginner toys/Types of play

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Top 5 List: Beginner toys/Types of play

From the title of this article you may have assumed that you would find a list of specific toys that are great for beginners. However, since I like to keep readers on their toes – that is not exactly what you are going to get. I will reference specific toys of course – but the list is written with a broader stroke of the brush. Enjoy…

  1. Hands

In my opinion your hands are the best implements you have. They are also quite convenient – no need to remember to pack them or find space for them. Although cleaning is still essential! Lol You can do so many things with them – spanking, punching, pinching, tickling, squeezing, pressure points, scratching, massage, hair pulling, face slapping….the list goes on and on! They can be used in a sensual way, for sexual touch, light to heavy, thuddy, or stingy.

2. Toys with shorter length

In general, if you are using toys that you don’t feel like you have control over or you’re having trouble with aim and precision, it could be the length. This is especially true when a toy has flexibility .When you are choosing toys look for things that aren’t as long. For floggers this could mean shorter falls, shorter handle, or both. Shorter crops or straps with more handle than body. If you already have toys that seem a bit too long then try “choking up” until it gets more comfortable. Even with standard handle floggers you can hold the top of the handle (closest to the falls) rather than the end or middle of the handle.

3. Sensation toys

Play isn’t all about impact or other implements or types of play that require more skill and practice. Use things to create different sensations. One thing that’s great is going back and forth between sadistic and pleasurable sensations. Use things like feathers, wartenberg wheels, fur, water, ice, etc. These are wonderful to use in scenes whether you are leaning on them to make up for skill level or if you are a very experienced player! A scene doesn’t need to be all about “hitting them with stuff”. For temperature play, besides using water (at different temps) and ice, you can also take toys or things made of metal and put them in the fridge so that for the scene they are nice and chilly. Just pressing them against skin that is freshly played with can create a lovely reaction!

4. Toys for impact

As you may have noticed, most of what I’ve referred to in #1 and #2 has been impact toys. Try to avoid toys that can break the skin. If you use vampire gloves for sensation – be careful about using them for impact. Knife play, single tails, and other such toys should be used with caution and only after you know what you’re doing with them.

5. Non-toy play

In addition to toys, there are many other things you can introduce in play that are not a danger at all physically, however, need to be well negotiated! Things like role play can enhance any scene no matter the implements or skill level. Consensual humiliation or beginner level fear play are also things that you can “play with” as a beginner. However, as I mentioned PLEASE negotiate these things very carefully!

Whatever you do, remember to play safely, with consent and have FUN!

Maintaining Connection

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When two people are in a power exchange dynamic, sometimes staying connected requires some creativity. These days most people are very busy. So what are some ways to maintain that feeling of connection and power exchange when vanilla life and schedules get in the way? Many of the ideas I lay out in this article can be used in different situations.

Let’s start with an example where both partners live with one another. Perhaps they are married, perhaps not. Maybe they have children. One or both of them work. If they share a home there are, for one, plenty of tasks that can be considered service. Household chores, meal preparation, keeping the kid’s schedules together, etc. Yet how can we step it up to another level of power exchange? Let’s assume for this example the s-type is home more and perhaps works part time while the D-type works a standard “9-5” job. Rather than the s-type simply folding and putting away the laundry, they fold the D-types clothes a certain way that the D-type prefers. Or perhaps they prepare something for when the D-type gets home – their favorite drink waiting next to their chair, a bath drawn, or a special “outfit” under their clothes in case the D-type feels frisky before dinner! (Maybe all three – who needs to eat? lol) If there are children at home then, of course, that needs to be considered.

Let’s then look at partners that don’t live together – with or without others. (Remember that whole poly thing?) Maybe both have demanding jobs with little time to do tasks. Here are some ideas. The night before, the D-type tells the s-type what style and/or color underwear to have on the next day. This may sound silly or trivial, however, every time that s-type uses the restroom – guess who they are going to think of? That’s right – their D-type. And the D-type knows that as well. Perhaps an addition to that is that the s-type sends a quick picture from their private stall – pic of the undergarment, a flash of skin or a sweet smile. Even if this only happens once or twice a day – that’s once or twice that both people feel connected to the other and the power exchange is reinforced.

Another idea – the D-type knows that the following day their s-type will be running errands. Their task is to wear a plug and “squeeze” at every red light. Or maybe at certain times throughout the day they must snap a pic of whatever they’re doing – with the purpose of going thru the pics the next time they are with their D-type and sharing what their day or week was like.

Remember – just because one or both of you are busy day to day, that doesn’t mean you can’t find small ways to stay connected and maintain your power exchange. You may need to get creative – and that part can be half the fun! Just don’t think you are less of an s-type simply because you aren’t available for your D-type 24/7. You are still there in your heart and as long as you make the effort, your D-type knows that.

There are a million more ideas – I have laid out some to get you started. I’d love to hear other ideas that you have used in your relationships!

Different Levels of Protocol

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I’ve written before about protocol – but this article is to go into the subject a little further. I want to talk about different levels of protocol. Low (or everyday) protocol, medium protocol, and high protocol. Keep in mind that one person’s “medium” can be another person’s “high” or someone else’s “low”. Also, some D/s relationships may choose to maintain medium or high protocols and not allow low protocol with perhaps just a few exceptions. I will describe these categories with various examples to give you a general idea of what I’m talking about.

Low/everyday Protocol

This refers to the most casual form of protocols. These may include protocols that aren’t as obvious to the vanilla world. Or being in “low protocol” may simply mean you aren’t adhering to most of your protocols with a few exceptions, like coffee service for example.

Medium Protocol

For many people in D/s relationships this may be their everyday protocol or for some it may be the protocols that they adhere to whenever they are at a kink event.

High Protocol

Typically this level of protocol is followed when attending a high protocol kink event. It also may be used for specific periods of time (eg, high protocol weekend) or specific situations (eg, hosting a high protocol dinner).

So what would this perhaps look like in reality? I’m going to use one type of protocol as an example and explain how it would be done in low vs medium vs high.

Let’s start with a fun one – bathroom protocol! Lol If this is a protocol that’s followed then the low/everyday version may be that the s-type must let the D-type know that they are using the restroom. The medium version is the one many people are more familiar with. This would be where the s-type must ask permission to use the restroom.

Wondering what the heck high protocol would look like? Some people think it may be that the s-type isn’t allowed to go to the restroom. Not quite. Typically it may look like the s-type isn’t using the restroom, when in reality they are simply having to wait for permission to use the restroom – they may not ask. This, of course, means that the D-type needs to pay close attention!

Another example would be protocol about where the s-type locates themselves around the D-type. In low protocol the s-type may be required to stand or sit to the left of their D-type. In medium protocol perhaps they must stand or sit to their left in a specific position. In high protocol perhaps there is an added protocol that the s-type always sits on the floor at the D-types’ feet whether the D-type is standing or sitting.

These are just a couple of simple examples – something to give you an idea of how protocols can be used in different ways. As I mentioned before – these are general examples, one person may treat the medium bathroom protocol as their high protocol, etc.

You can also use different collars to represent the level of protocol you’re in. For example – when in low protocol perhaps the s-type wears an everyday, or casual, collar. In medium protocol situations there may be a more traditional or fetish collar used. In high protocol the s-type may wear a fetish collar or perhaps a posture collar is used. These various collars still represent the same relationship dynamic.

Added note – in some circumstances protocols of any kind are more difficult. Vanilla settings, family functions, etc. Some people may decide to temporarily remove protocols or come up with “vanilla protocols” that represent the protocols they have in place but that are very discreet or aren’t noticeable. For example, they have a protocol in place where the s-type must ask permission to start eating. This may be viewed unfavorably by a more mainstream crowd. So, instead, they decide that the s-types way of “asking permission” is to comment about how good the meal looks/smells, etc. Then the D-types way of “giving permission” is by agreeing that the food look/smells delicious. Nobody is the wiser but the D/s couple has stuck to their protocol, under the radar.

I hope this gives a bit more insight as to how protocols can be used in different ways.

Insecurities and the Kinky Eraser

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Insecurities and the Kinky Eraser

(Disclaimer: this article references stereotypical body insecurities. I am not speaking to my personal idea of beauty.)

For many of you this article may not be very relevant – that’s ok. It does, however, apply to enough people that I felt it deserved some attention. I have had many conversations with people that are coming into the scene from the vanilla world. You know how when you’re dating and you start seeing someone new who is completely different from your old partner, yet you bring along all your baggage that you either have to work thru or realize it just doesn’t apply in the new relationship? Well the phenomenon I am discussing here is kinda like that.

For this article I am honing in on body issues and sense of attractiveness. There are two areas I see this issue play out – individually and when looking for a partner. I will start with the individual. This typically effects s-types. Why? Because they are usually the ones expected to shed some clothing at parties or at least during scenes. However, many new s-types feel completely intimidated by this when they begin their journey. They can’t imagine taking off clothes in front of a room of strangers. Much of this has to do with body image as well as it just being a new situation for them. I think what happens though, eventually, is that they see many others stripping down and they realize that almost nobody has a “perfect” body. And guess what? They also observe that those people aren’t ridiculed for it! This is something you just don’t see as much in the vanilla world. In the vanilla world, people get made fun of for every little flaw. No wonder people are intimidated by the thought of getting naked (or close to it) in the midst of a crowd. In the kink community not only are they not teased, but there is usually a lot of support and compliments given where the focus is the outfit, the shoes, the glittery eyeshadow, or the scene itself. Eventually I see most of these same people who started off feeling intimidated and insecure about showing more skin – taking it off (or at least more of it) a few months (give or take) later.

This issue also comes up when looking for a partner. This can go for everyone – newbies no matter what side of the slash. They come in thinking nobody will want them because they’re “too fat” or not attractive enough. Now I understand these insecurities (along with many more I just haven’t listed) are everywhere and certainly prevalent in the vanilla dating circles. Heck – there are dating apps solely based on matching due to how you look!

Here’s the thing – this is my theory as to why people have to adjust their baggage – or just toss it in the garbage when they enter the scene. In general, kinksters are looking beyond physical attributes – and/or looking at physical features completely differently. Have a big butt? Perfect for spanking. Broad shoulders like a linebacker? Fantastic for flogging. Large nipples? Hand over the clothespins. A bit fluffy and not stereotypically attractive but can throw a flogger? Line up the s-types! Do you get what I’m trying to say? Also, beyond play I think when people are looking for a connection, especially a D/s relationship, they are more drawn in by the strength of the dynamic than the other person’s physique. If you initially find someone who is “hot” but the dynamic pull just isn’t there – the attraction can fizzle. Vice versa, the dynamic pull can be so strong that the physical attraction simply follows. Can there be both? Of course! The point is that people walk into this scene with baggage and insecurities and it’s great to watch them slowly drop those societal expectations – even if it takes a little time. Kink is certainly more than skin deep.

Top-space

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Subspace. We’ve all heard of it and some of us have experienced it. If you are unfamiliar with what it is I highly suggest you read my article about it at kinkweekly or you can ask your friend google. However, I get asked in class when I speak to subspace if there is an equivalent for D-types. Yes, there is such a thing as Topspace or Dom(me)space. However, this is something you hear much less about. Not only do you hear less about it, but it also seems to occur less often than subspace. Why is that? I have a theory.

This theory is my own personal opinion based on what I know of subspace and having experienced Top-space as well. Have I gone out and researched it? Nope. Have I interviewed 100 D-types about it looking for common threads? Nope. So take this for what it’s worth and, if you’re really interested, do more research. If you do, and find more interesting tidbits – please leave them in the comment section below!

Ok, so let’s use subspace as a starting point. In general, subspace refers to an s-type’s reaction to various chemicals being released in their system. The closest vanilla activity I can compare it to is a runner’s high. In both scenarios the individual is pushing past, or through, a painful sensation – allowing the aforementioned chemicals (adrenaline, endorphins, etc.) to kick in. These chemicals give a natural high feeling and increase pain tolerance. If you have experienced either you know that you also have to allow yourself to relax into, or give into, this chemical change in your body in order to feel the full effects. As I mentioned in my previous article about subspace, everyone experiences it differently.

So with that subspace refresher, here is why I think Topspace is more difficult for people to achieve. When you’re Topping you are focused on numerous things – where you want the scene to go, how your bottom is doing, which implement you’re using, your aim, your surroundings, etc. When you are that focused and “in your head”, it is much more difficult to let go, or “give in”, to the chemicals being released. You may still have endorphins and adrenaline pumping through your system, however, there is a huge psychological component to achieving Topspace. For a runner if all you keep focusing on are the components of running – how tight your shoes are, worry about a lace coming undone, the pain in your right knee, concern about which direction you’re headed or if you’ll become lost on your trail, etc – you won’t ever allow yourself to get out of your head and give in to that runner’s high. The act of running has to become second nature so that you aren’t thinking about it anymore. That’s when you can start to “fly”, so to speak.

This is why I typically hear of D-types who have a lot of experience speaking of getting “spacey”. They have enough experience to where what they are doing is second nature. Flogging, spanking, or whatever they love just comes naturally and they don’t have to think very much about what they’re doing. They can let go and allow those chemicals to take over and feel all floaty after a scene just like s-types.

I think it takes a long time, and/or a lot of experience to get to the point that a D-type can get there, for their play to really become second nature – which is why we hear of it less often than subspace. It’s like getting in your car and arriving home, not remembering the drive. Because driving and your route home have become something you no longer have to consciously think about. Once a Top can say that about their play, they are much more likely to experience Topspace.

Honest Communication – say what you mean and mean what you say

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Honest Communication – say what you mean and mean what you say

You’ve seen the memes that list it and perhaps heard the stand-up comedians joke about it.

You can search for “things women say and what they really mean” and find a ton of pages and links.

Here’s a list from http://www.lifebuzz.com/9-phrases/ that cover most of my “favorites”:

#1. Fine. This is the word used to end an argument when she is right and you better shut up. Don’t even say another word!

#2. Nothing. If you ask her what’s wrong and she says nothing, then something is definitely wrong. Stay on your toes. Many arguments can start over “nothing” and then end with “fine.” Refer to #1.

Note: If she says “no really, there’s nothing wrong” then she really means there’s nothing wrong.

#3. Loud sigh. This is a non-verbal hint that you are being an idiot and she’s wondering why you are wasting time standing there and arguing about “nothing.” Refer to #2.

#4. Go ahead. This is like a double dare and it’s definitely not permission. She wants you to make the right decision, so rethink what you are about to do!

#5. Don’t worry about it, I got it. This means she’s asked you to do something several times and you didn’t so now she’s doing it herself. Uh-oh! This may result in you asking her later “what’s wrong” to which she will most likely respond “nothing.” Refer to #2.

#6. That’s okay. This is a very dangerous warning signal. She’s will be thinking long and hard about how you will pay for what you did.

#7. Five minutes. If she is getting ready this could mean 15-40 minutes, results may vary. But if you are watching the game, 5 minutes is exactly 300 seconds.

#8. Whatever. This means go to hell. You’re in big trouble! You may even feel a chill in the air.

#9. Thanks. She is thanking you. Don’t even question it, just say you’re welcome. But if she says “thanks A LOT” then that’s meant as sarcasm and you should definitely not say “you’re welcome” then she will reply with “whatever.” Refer to #8.

Now – there’s a reason people joke about this – from a distance it comes across as something funny that we see in sitcoms. We laugh because, unfortunately, many of us can relate. Whether it’s because we have used this language ourselves or heard it from our partner or former partners.

I have a plea…… STOP!

This language, by the way, can be used by anyone. Women do not own the market on this. If you use this language please examine what you’re doing and how it aids in your relationship and communication with your partner. (I’m guessing in an unhealthy or destructive ways.) If you’re not happy about something then say that. If you’re not ok with your partner doing x, y, or z be honest about it – don’t tell them “it’s ok” then berate and “punish” them later. It’s not fair and it’s not honest. It creates a trust issue as well. I have, personally, had to unravel partner’s belief systems that were influenced by their past relationships. I would tell them I was ok with x, y, and z and they literally didn’t believe me! I had to slowly prove to them that what I said was what I meant. This should not be a foreign concept.

Please stop playing games. Communicate with compassion and curiosity – it will get you much further.

We Are Human First

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We Are Human First

This article is about consent and negotiation and mistakes and hindsight. It’s about personal responsibility and compassion.

There are reasons I don’t do pick up play and why I like to be at least friends with someone before I do a scene with them. When you play as a bottom you are trusting someone with your physical, mental, and emotional well-being for a certain amount of time. When you play as a Top you are trusting another person to be honest with you up front and not vilify you if you make a mistake. Notice the running theme? TRUST. Now, if you are just starting to play and have just met that person or have only known them a short time, then a whole lot of trust isn’t necessarily there yet. This is why it’s not recommended that you do heavy scenes or attempt to push boundaries and limits with someone in the beginning. You should be developing more trust first.

So what should you trust about a new play partner? Well, as a bottom you should hopefully be able to trust that your Top has good intentions and is looking to play with you in a safe way while adhering to the limits that you have stated during negotiation. That they are not looking to take advantage of you or do things that weren’t discussed just because “well you didn’t say I couldn’t”. (This is also why I teach newbies to negotiate from an “I want to start with just doing x, y, and z” position rather than trying to think of all the things they don’t want to do.) As a Top you should be able to trust that the bottom has disclosed whatever medical issues, triggers, etc that they are aware of, along with things that may be unique to them as a player. For example, bottoms – if when you go into subspace you are barely aware of your surroundings or what year it is, this is something the Top should be made aware of!

However, guess what? Even after all that things can go wrong. The bottom may have forgotten to disclose something. The Top may have briefly had a brain fart regarding one of the bottom’s limits. The bottom may have been triggered by something they didn’t realize they would be triggered by. The Top may have done something that wasn’t spelled out in negotiations (not talking about major stuff). But remember, scenes are supposed to be fun. Especially with a new partner who is likely not to go too “deep” or too far in play the first time. Not everything will be spelled out in the negotiation – it’s not possible. Or, if possible, it would probably be a very boring, predictable scene.

So what do you do about that? Well, for starters, choose to play with people you can have a conversation with. I’m talking about a conversation beyond the negotiation. If these things happen (which they will) don’t jump to anger and blaming the other person. Start with personal responsibility. Look in the mirror and ask yourself what part of that do you hold accountability for? Acknowledge this to your partner. Hopefully they will acknowledge their part of whatever happened as well. TALK about the little things that happened and assume it was not born from manipulation or ill intent. Are some people douche-nozzles? Absolutely. However, most people aren’t looking to hurt you or create a bad reputation for themselves. Most people are doing the best they can or the best they know how to do. So talk about the scene. Make adjustments in your future negotiations if need be.

Just remember when you strip away the titles and the power exchange – we are all just human first.

Coming Out of the Closet(S)!

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So many closets, so little time.  Well, ok, only two closets, however, I’ve had to come out of them again and again.

When you hear that someone “came out of the closet” you may think, “Good for them, it’s a big step and now they don’t have to worry about it anymore.”  What people may not realize is that once you come out – that’s just the FIRST time.  Essentially you have to come out every time you meet someone new or run into an old friend or family member who perhaps wasn’t around when you made the big announcement.  (That’s how everyone comes out by the way – big loudspeaker type pronouncement over the radio or in a stadium.)

Every time you tell someone new, you run the same risk you did the first time.  Will they react positively or with criticism?  Will your relationship with them change after this conversation?

When I came out the first time it was at the age of 17 and I came out to my friends as bisexual.  (FYI – this is still how I identify – I know – SHOCKER – it wasn’t just a phase…..)  I am proud to say I have wonderful friends who totally accepted me and had no issue.  I got involved with my LGBT group on my college campus and dated the only other bisexual girl in the group because the lesbians wanted nothing to do with us.  (That’s a topic for another day)  Fortunately she was just my type and we had a nice time together.  It was, however, a short romance and pretty soon after we broke up I started dating the man I would eventually marry.

Fast forward 15 years, marriage, two kids and one divorce later.  Time to get back out into the dating pool.  I cast out my net to any and all on the typical dating sites.  Met a few great people – not great matches however.  Then I met a woman – an amazing woman.  We dated for a couple years with some bumps in the road.  However, it was a serious relationship and I felt that it was time to come out to my parents.  Until this point I was “relatively out” – meaning I was out to everyone except my relatives!

So there I was, in my 30’s, coming out to my parents.  Thankfully they are both totally supportive.  My dad thought perhaps it was a post-divorce phase until I explained that she was not my first female partner.

So then there was the kink/BDSM closet that I had newly discovered as I was going thru my divorce.  For many people kink is something they do in the bedroom and they never feel the need to “come out” about it.  However, for me it wasn’t only my lifestyle, it was also my job.  Only a couple years into the scene I worked as a pro-sub and then a pro-Switch.  I eventually felt the pressure to open up to my mom because she kept asking so many questions about my new job in “customer service”.  Nice cover, right?  Fortunately it coincided with the 50 Shades trilogy and my mom happened to be reading the first one.  I used that to come out to her.  Her biggest concern was my safety and my happiness.  I assured her that I was both safe and happy.  She was supportive.  She has even attended one of my classes to try and gain more of an understanding – which I thought was super awesome of her!

Shortly thereafter I told my dad and he was accepting as well.  All of my friends know and I’m not shy talking about it with new friends I meet.  I am a bit more cautious with friends connected to my kids.  However, if you read my article titled The Outsider, you will see I didn’t have much to worry about.

I know that many people don’t feel they can come out about their orientation, their BDSM lifestyle, or perhaps both.  They may fear family shame, ridicule, or job loss.  As for me I feel extremely fortunate to be able to live my life openly.

I am at the point now in my life (perhaps some of it just comes with age) where I figure if you don’t accept me (and all that I am) then I don’t need you in my life.  If you want to know more, however, just ask and I will answer any question you have!

I come out of two closets again and again….and I’m proud of both!